I was Philip D. Bag, a costumed character that taught children the importance of recycling paper. I found this gig on Craigslist. That's me in the picture.

Let's zoom in on that patch:

Dijon Mustard?! Why don't you just curse God and your family while you're at it? ;)

If he wanted to have sex with a woman as unresponsive as a corpse why didn't he just get married?

I do not understand why people love this piece of shit place so hard.

I tried Fortune the other day & I swear it tasted just like a Steel Reserve (don't pretend you haven't tried it). They just brewed a strong ice beer and tried to see if we were dumb enough to think the bitterness was desirable. I'm sure hipsters would if it was brewed in a small enough room with a paper label.

Busch Light is a great beer to drink about 15 of while you are fishing. Something about worms, dirt and walleye slime seem to go really well with it. I wish I was kidding.

THAT'S why it's blue...

Is not having a smartphone the new I don't own a TV?

I used to chew my toenails, too, until I got older and lost the flexibility to reach them. Some days I think about starting a stretching routine just so I can reach my little piggies again. Still chew my fingernails - I don't really see a problem with it aside from the fact that I have gross fingernails in my mouth.…

Hilarious. This has never ever ever happened, ever. And if it did, the first thing they would have to prove is that they actually tried to purchase something.

Proof of one time this has ever happened, please. Because there are plenty of examples of gay people actually being turned away when they actually tried to buy something.