She should have taken out his plastic surgeon instead. 

I want a docu-series of Bird and Taurasi wrecking jabronis at various Ys once they retire.

This happened to me. Twice.

+1 Them apples.

It’s okay, Drew. It’s not your fault.

I cried that I had no shoes till I met an idiot who burned his because he wanted to “own” the libs then I laughed.

I shop at Whole Foods.
I buy organic everything.
I buy in bulk.

I will tell you the secret to uncrustable magic. You get a frozen strawberry uncrustable, if you get grape you’ve already fucked up, don’t be gross. You pop it in the microwave for like 10 seconds, maybe 15. The jelly somehow turns into sweet delicious hot syrupy lava encased in a still icy peanut butter shell. It’s…

Everyone at FuckedNews makes their bank by blowing Valdimir Putin, but this guy’s the one who should be ashamed?

So hows you’re blog going?

A cheer squad is no place to have the wrong people supporting you.

My guess is that Melania doesn’t care about trolling anyone, she just doesn’t want to dress like a farmer. I can even picture some of the not entirely stupid people in the White House (I assume there’s one or two? Maybe??) begging her not to wear this insanely expensive shit and she’s just ignoring them because she…

Aeration is an important part of lawn maintenance.

You know - If I had to imagine the face of the guy who got fired for posting his farts... Yeah. Pretty much that guy.

Trust us: Never introduce kids into your show.

Signed,
Married With Children

I seriously thought, “Wait, does he think he’s going to be beaten to death by people with rocks in tube socks?”

It’s gonna be real sad when he’s out of football for a few years and he forgets why the rocks are on his porch. 

Seems like a bad decision for a guy who now plays in a glass house.

“Make sure the grill reaches a temperature of at least 450 degrees before placing infant on grilling surface.”