When I first started working retail, I absolutely was the type of person to chase someone. It’s not until I was thinking about it fairly recently that I realized that someone could’ve turned around and shot and killed me all because I wanted to recover a few Friends DVD box sets. Ross and Rachel are not worth that,…

mandatory picture:

Are we digging with one of those giant mine burrowers? You know, the ones that look big from a distance of ten miles and are larger than your average shopping mall?

We’re digging trenches in the dirt now just so we can lower the bar on human intelligence.

*resists going full Attenborough*

I don't know why this is so funny. But I mean you gotta do what you gotta do. I can hardly whip my 40 pound dog, sans psychological dominance. 

I’ll bet the runner got the lion’s back and sunk a rear naked choke - only way to do it without getting shredded.

I got 700 stars the other day for some stupid pun while this gem languishes in obscurity. I appreciate you!

But at least I could deliver you some 69.

Yeah, but what it doesn’t mention is that he had started walking around hoping a mountain lion would attack him so that he’d have an excuse for killing a mountain lion after a mountain lion attacked his friend.

As the final breath escaped the mountain lion’s lungs, he whispered defiantly, “My name is Mellencamp.”

I don’t hunt, but I am going to want to mount that

Are you shitting me? Dude is going to spend the rest of his life not paying for a beer. 

Young Man Forced to Kill Cougar Who Just Will Not Leave Him Alone could absolutely be the title of an episode of several different Bravo programs.

How do you think the pride feels that one of their own got choked to death by a long distance runner?

I googled “Cougar Asphyxiation” and it took me here.  Not what I was looking for unfortunately.

now the idiot is probably going to die of cancer or something.  what a waste of a badass way to leave this awful existence

Talk calmly and firmly to it

I once had a cougar bite my dick but she apologized afterwards. Nevertheless, I backed slowly away.

Great, now anyone who gets fucked up by a mountain lion just didn’t want it bad enough.