Jesus Christ, what year is it to people in Kansas?

When the word “inoffensive” is used to describe music, it’s not a compliment. I doubt whether even Sheeran’s devoted hatedom would compare his work to supermarket Muzak.

Um...

People say I look like Seth Rogen about once a week.

“Justin”
Come on, is that Jim Gaffigan?

So firefighters don’t carry anything that can deal with burning gasoline - all they have is hose water? That seems crazy - they must get called to a ton of car fires.

As a REAL housewife it always annoyed me that she put shit in the fridge that everyone knows you’re not supposed to put in the damn fridge!

no, but her refrigerator was famous

Look at the size of this thing:

I ♥♥♥ Brahmas!!! I need to move so I can get more chickens!

I’m quite partial to this one at the moment

I’m in my thirties and I absolutely love getting older. Every year I get more comfortable with myself and enjoy life more. I find more things that interest me and I know what I am and what I am not. It’s magical.

I don’t know how old you are, but I tell people all the time that that one thing is one of the perks of being older. You don’t have to keep up the exhausting facade of “what this? Oh I only like this ironically.” Hell yeah I like Metallica and Britney at the same time!

Dear Billy Ray,

When I was a young alternative person, it was shameful to like Britney. I’m glad I can love her with abandon now.

Dad, stop.

You want, like, a sticker or something?