Note to everyone who says "but what if your pizza is too hot to hold?":

Someone's in the pocket of BIG HANDS.

But if Eli doesn't use utensils he will get pizza all over his pajamas!

I'm in favour of harsh penalties like A-Rod's. I mean, look at how Jose Canseco turned out. Baseball came down hard on him, and the only penalty was that the other team got a home run.

On the plus side, Messi is still a lock for "Best Upscale Movie Theater Usher"

Nice try but I found the original:

The top photo also edits out third finalist Franck Ribery, and his trail of chicken fingers, french fries, and my little ponies leading towards the exits.

I hate the person who thinks he/she needs to be invited to everything. A guy we hang out with got mad at me and a few buddies because we didn't invite him to go golfing one time this summer. No joke, he doesn't even own clubs.

Before Ovechkin arrived, the Capitals apparently didn't sell any tickets to fans with 703 area codes as well.

Congratulations, Mr. Howard!

"Ah, that's cute ... NOW, KICK IT BACK OUTSIDE! I'M OPEN!"

"At first I was concerned that I was exploiting him, but then I saw that huge smile and heard him giggle and I knew it was the right thing to do," remarked the child in the John Wall jersey.

My favorite has always been the Sports Shouting show.

Perhaps we've just reached that inevitable conclusion where it's more productive as a lake.

Apparently, all sea creatures love money as well. Good to know.

I know West Virginia is a bit "backwards," as they say, but it's borderline offensive to call it part of Canada.

The third time's the charter.

Needless to say, Hatch's father never believed in divorce.

You know what they say: "If at first you try and don't succeed, piloting planes probably isn't for you."