For the record, I was the only Jezebel staffer who watched the entire 5SOS video looking like this:

Things we know are true:
Calum > Ashton > Luke > Mikey

A few things:

Seriously. Did you see that part starting around 20 seconds where she quietly entertains herself with a toy in the background? Christ, that kid is worse than Pol Pot.

That last one is my favorite. She's just sitting there, having a snack, rockin' out. Livin' the dream.

I have to ask. Does it make people feel intellectually superior to show up on articles like this and immediately declare it to be bullshit? Because what I read in this article was basically someone saying "I did this thing, and this thing had a positive effect on me." Does it really matter if it was a placebo…

If you need a definition, I think you're beyond the help of some anonymous internet person.

MAMA POPE

Omg her spine is so fat!

Bradley Cooper is a beautiful angel. That's not a flannel shirt; that's just his sex wings.

I will never stop posting it.

"Two messed up eyes are better than one perfect eye" Totally my makeup mantra.

"But I spent $40 on it, so I use it to validate the purchase."

YUP.

Gaga, I'd be flattered if I was being compared to Katy Perry. Crazy lady who talks to pigeons is a more apt comparison at this point.

Considering the disproportionate amount of criticism Kanye West gets in the media, I think Kanye's feelings of freedom from hiding his face and what his face means to the wider world go a little deeper than #firstworldproblems.

Poor girl, all that pancake makeup is going to make her skin worse.

Meh.

No thanks, I'll just marry up.

Aaaaaand yet another excuse to post this gem.