"Charles Reed, Self-Sufficient Masturbation Machine"

"They would see how, every week, I take my favorite pair of jeans (True Religion) to the dry cleaners a few blocks away from my apartment even though the tag reads "Tumble Dry only", just to make sure that the little old couple who run it never have to go a day without the rice that they love so dearly."

In the Bizarro world, Quinn loves you.

Salted Dicks? Ass-fucking? This turned out to be quite the arousing morning read.

How many Rhodes scholars does it take to forcefully screw in a light bulb?

Wait a minute, ain't that Brandy's brother?

He's not a good guy, but he plays one on TV.

This is some of the worse writing I've ever read and I've read "Ghost Dad".

That's high praise coming from the Secretary of Defense. You honor me, sir.

If I recall correctly, Jersey Shore is a cartoon and Adventure Time is a reality show about oddly colored people traversing a strange world filled with egomaniacal adversaries and lots of bad music.

Yet another device to collect for my eventual video game museum/shrine. Damn.

Not too fond of the bro show Adventure Time, but this was funnier than I remember that being, so blast-fax kudos all around.

I can't possibly be the only one that wishes they'd left this one in. I'd even settle for a humorous, meta-referential side mission or something!

Anyone who can maintain their snarky outlook even when being soothed by the dulcet tones of The King of Speed is irrevocably broken. Period.

Good God, that was awesome.

I wish I knew why I found this so exciting.

I see what you did there. And I like it.

TL;DR version:

I would like to remind everyone that horror is about atmosphere, not visibility. I'm sure being chased by John Wayne Gacy would be equally frightening at noon or midnight :)

Now THAT is fascinating in a linguistic-cum-sociological experiment kind of way.