But... but... every woman who speaks to me or makes eye contact desperately wants me buried deep inside her love tunnel! No?

My office is right next to a children’s museum / indoor play center and I can tell you one thing for sure: The hood of my car is not an acceptable place to leave a poop diaper. Seriously, if that happens again I’m going to start aiming for the little fuckers!

My Indy will bite your balls off if you kidnap her! If she doesn't, I will...

“Well, we didn't shoot him... What more do you want?" -Cops

American Indian is an acceptable term. For example, the recently opened museum in DC showing native cultures is named the National Museum of the American Indian.

But wait, most religions say not to tolerate other religions... My religious argument is that your religious argument is null... I can’t argue that though because your religious argument stands also... But neither argument stands even though they both have to stand because they're both religious and both protected...…

LEGO: Please make this! I know it will be an absolutely insane build and it'll be amazingly expensive but I'm already warming up my brick fingers!

AdBlock Plus! Your browsing life will never be the same again! See what the internet looks like without ads! Seriously, every time I use somebody else's machine now, I'm dumbfounded by all the banner ads and clickbait. My browser is all neat and clean with exactly zero ads.

Further also: If you see a drowning person, do not try to rescue them unless you can provide some sort of floating aid for them. If you try to pull them out with no floating aids, there's a good chance they'll end up causing you to drown also. When somebody is drowning, they're in a state of panic. Normal thought goes…

Brilliant! I laughed out loud and now the people in my office are looking at me funny. You get all the stars!

It doesn't follow logically. The fact that you are a serial chicken sexual harasser is purely coincidental!

Jawohl! Your simplistic view ov ze Quark is indeed a shame! You cannot appreciate se vorld of Milchprodukte zat ve have available for you! Perhaps it is best if you leave our Vaterland and get back on ze plane! Ve vill eat all ze Quark ourselves! Ve do not need you!

I love Quark! It is my favorite thing to eat that is also all things I eat (and am, and see, and don't see)!

RIP Michael Park

Racers assume all risks when they sign up. It's an inherently dangerous sport. I can see the instinct to protect people but there are just certain things that carry certain risk that people still do willingly. They know what the chance of death is. They still start the race anyway. Interfering with that will ruin the…

In lieu of the death penalty, the judges decided that for the rest of his life, he would only be served Manhattan Clam Chowder!

Ouch, hopefully she'll be able to break free from her extremist parents, like those women who actually managed to leave the Westboro cult. Did I just conflate the Palins and the WBC? You betcha!

“Watch what the gay community does next.”

I love them! I've been flying to Korea rather often recently and have to say that Asiana is also fantastic. Their level of service, cleanliness, and professionalism are all off the charts! Korean Air isn't bad either but I'd pick Asiana any day (as long as it's not a day that requires manual landing).

I do it all the time in my B4 Passat! That's the magic of having a jalopy that's both long and narrow! Yeah, go ahead, dent my door. That car needs a paint job and I'd love for you to pay for it!