Let’s say I have my mostest favoritest tailgating Pitt hoodie. I will get grease on it, there’s no doubt about it, because I am a gigantic blubberous slob. I’ve tried pretreating, I’ve tried vinegar(?), I’ve even read the little tag inside and did the things it has said. At what point do I just throw it out, but a new…

Every year when I microwave my turkey, I have to make sure I remove all the metal clips and pins that keep it together. Every year, the dorito stuffing just oozes out because it's not held in place. How can I avoid this?

I'm hungry and the only thing on my desk is a tub of cream cheese that's been sitting there since 8 AM. Additionally, I do not have any sort of nearby flatware, so I will need to use my hand. Is this an acceptable dinner?

DAMNIT ROVELL, GET OUT OF THE COMMENTS

PENN-KEN PRIDE

Hail to Pi...

*scans tattoo for logo*

PLEASE RANK YOUR TOP CHEESES

Your doge, sir.

Anything you want! What DOESN'T need more sugar? First hint: Nacho cheese.

Chop of little bits at a time with an ice pick. Nuke them. Glue them back together.

Seriously though? Uh. No idea. Sorry.

Well there's probably a rule here about only using a fist-sized amount of spam, but have you considered stuffing a small turkey inside of a giant cube of spambricks?

I can't believe you're calling me an idiot on the internet instead of face-to-face SMH

Slathered Lard?

Well, I hate to toot my own horn, but I once ground up enough turkey products to fill a turkey jello mold and stuffed it with corn: http://www.progressiveboink.com/2012/11/21/367…

Microwave the whole damn thing until the little red plug melts onto the bird's skin.

I can't really answer that because no one ever comes to Spilly Thanksgiving.

Easily the best part of being in charge of the turkey while heavily intoxicated is the electric turkey slicer.

Close. Try Raisin BRAN.

Serious thing: Hot spiced mead. Oh my goodness.

Ham 'n Oreo Gravy
Mashed Waffle Fries
Cranmayo Sauce (canned)
Liquefied Turkey pressured and distributed via beer tap.