I'm getting so tired of suspensions and PR statements. Such a juvenile, indifferent attempt to appease. ESPN gave him a time out.

I remember walking up to the table that night and being disappointed that all this time WWF was fooling us into thinking that Virgil was black, when in fact, he was a guy named Jose wearing blackface.

MS-13 told me to add that things in El Salvador are great.

Until their soccer teams lose, and then they get angry over a communal meal.

Of course. A silly omission on my part. I apologize profusely.

And why is Alexi Lalas in trouble?

I thought you were going to follow "Don't Want to Die Early?" with "Eat More Vegetables." And now I'm posting on Craigslist for a drummer, a violinist, and a recorder player. Jezebel lessons are confusing. But I am learning. Improving. And look out for our debut release, Huxtable Sweaters, on SoundCloud.

And Jesus, how about you come around pre-Armageddon and help us clean up the place? You're starting to be that roommate who is never home and then shows up offering to help clean up after all the work is done. Stop being annoying, Jesus. And the rent is almost due.

You forgot: Taiwanese.

Black Male Jesus is underwhelmed. And will be showing up fashionably late.

I saw the title on the side panel and was like, "Drew article."

This world is terrible.

Snooki hates the Chinese. That's seriously fucked up.

I was going to say, "Over Gilbert Gottfried? HOW?" But I assume you were just assuming that Gilbert Gottfried was the de facto choice, so you went with CK. Completely understandable.

What is cool? Does that mean person I'd most want to hang out with? I wish there was a more objective Time list, like Time's Darkest Person of the Year. Strictly by color. That shit's quantifiable.

HERE COMETH THE LENA DUNHAM COMMENTARIAT!

And here we thought that simple pick-up equations don't work. You, my friend, just picked up several interwebz dates. On Jezebel. Drop the mic and walk away.

Cold night in Stoke joke.

Does the chocolate birth control prevent the birth of black babies? Racists.

This isn't a legal opinion on his defecation ... I mean defamation suit, but Donald Trump is an ass hammer fuck bowl. I don't even know what that means, but he's fucking terrible. Yeah, no gems to drop. Just if I could agree with waterboarding for one fucking person. Ugh.