But scads of us know someone who almost died from a peanut allergy. I watched a close friend go into anaphylactic shock, fall over unconscious into a fetal position, losing her bladder function, from eating a bite of a “nut-free” cookie that wasn’t. She only lived because she carries an epi pen in her purse at all…

I prefer well done meat. I come from a tropical culture. We cook our meats. I prefer the taste of well cooked meat.

Mrs. Swineflu insisted that we visit this “state park” last year. It’s a field of dirt, with retirees scrabbling in the clay-like dirt hoping for a big win. It’s sadder than anything:

If this shitty woman really thinks she found a diamond because she prayed to "god", maybe she ought to ask herself why starving people can't find some bread and fishes regardless how much they pray.

Fantastic. Too bad for her, she stopped listening to God before he said “But beware, my child, for finding the diamond will cause you three decades of suffering before a slow and painful death from thirty forms of cancer. And lo, every being, man, woman, or child for whom you come to love shall suffer the same fate.”

I’m glad she prays for the important things.

Man, and here I’ve been praying for stupid things, like not losing a friend to cancer, or not get fired from my job- all I had to do was pray for a diamond. Boy, is my face red.

If that’s not the best example of God not existing, I don’t know what is.

God, now that you’re done helping this woman find a diamond, think you can do something about all this war, poverty, hatred, and other things?

God: “Sure, just let me finish this earthquake I have going on in Nepal first”

God has strange priorities

I wear Spanx while giving engineering lectures to all-male audiences. I find the squeeeziness to be really comfortable, and it keeps my posture good during long lectures. I wear corsets for ballroom dance, because it looks good, and if I don’t, I get crippling back pain after an hour.

I adore my Spanx, I find them comfortable for up to 10 hours, and I’m not ashamed of being fat. I like to look smooth, keep my dresses from clinging, and protect my privacy. That’s all. When did Spanx become anti-feminist? I LOVE mine and I don't think my feminist membership card is in jeopardy because if it.

*buys box*

This is beyond horrifying. I understand what the statute of limitations exists but this man needs to be behind bars. Jesus.

I love it when people admonish others for not caring about things like victims of police brutality when they care for animals, as if the two are mutually exclusive. I’m sorry that I have both been at protests in Ferguson AND walk dogs at the local shelter.

Yes, absolutely HILARIOUS that people are disgusted with the fact that a VETERINARIAN shot someone’s beloved pet for fun, and then gloated about it. Clearly, we’re the sick ones, who are also incapable of feeling outrage over police killing POC. So funny.

But caring about human life and caring about animal life go hand in hand. Compassion is not something that gets used up. I hear what you are saying that some people care more about animals than they do about people—I’ve met those people too, and while I won’t deny anyone’s racism, I think they’re also very damaged by…

It’s a bummer that you mistakenly feel like people can only care about one thing at a time AND that you think animals are merely some sort of Cartesian clockwork tool you can dispose of when they are no longer “useful.” I see your smug self-righteousness and raise you an “I think your callous disregard for life is…

Reminds me of The Deluxe Transitive Vampire: The Ultimate Handbook of Grammar for the Innocent, the Eager, and the Doomed. The examples on grammar - verb tenses, active and passive voice, and so on - are all excellent. They're also just as bizarre as the examples here.