“CITIZEN! WE HAVE FOUND A TIND- NO, NOT YOU. THE HOT ONE... CITIZEN! WE HAVE FOUND A TINDER MATCH FOR YOU.”

You’re walking your dog down the street when a drone flies up to you with some fucked up and overly strident robotic voice - “CITIZEN! WE HAVE FOUND A TINDER MATCH FOR YOU. HE IS (RACE), WITH (COLOR) EYES, AND (COLOR) HAIR - HE ENJOYS (LENGTH OF TIME) WALKS ON THE BEACH AND PREFERS (CATS OR DOGS). HE IS “(DIRECT QUOTE…

Against my better judgment: it’s Sylvan.

It’s no fun if you don’t actually tell us the name so we can judge it

I had neighbors who named their daughters America and California.

I remember when a kid in our church apparently got named Canis, you named your kid dog. You are calling your kid dog.

I swear to god had a child in a workshop I taught named Cheerybomb America Smith.

My wife and I are adopting, and at some point will be creating a new last name that the whole family would use. I suggested the kids should be able to pick, and my wife said, “oh, so we’re going to be The Batmans?”

Freedumb!!!!

Picabo Street says this is how she and her siblings were named — her parents waited until they could talk then asked what their name should be. Thus, an adult named Peekaboo.

I went to school with a Jean Springrain and a Balthazar Blizzard. Brother and sister. Yes, their parents were hippies.

And my daughter hates me for giving her “Betsy.” She has no idea the hellfire that I could’ve brought down upon her.

Let’s just call all children “The Baby” until they’re old enough to decide for themselves.

Probably “Whatsinthebox.”

A child in my class had her own surname. Her name was Heaven Earth. We cracked a lot of jokes about what her middle name could be. Heaven Anne Earth. Heaven Helen Earth. Turns out we weren’t far off. Her full name was Heaven N’ Earth. Mom named the next baby Seven. No idea what surname he got.

I once had a customer called Tequila.

“Alabama lets you do whatever you want...”

I had to click on the article to refresh my memory of the Adolf kid.

The Handy-Walk-Allah family

too*