Didn't they fight the communists so that we don't have to do this sort of thing?

The negotiators who got him out alive deserve all the promotions.

Ugh I know! That tweet was so annoying. It's like "LOLZ slumming it"!

Jeff Bauman, the young man who lost both legs and whose eyewitness accounts helped identify the terrorists, doesn't have health insurance and is using crowdfunding to pay for his medical bills.

heh. I needed that laugh today. I too sometimes feel like I've been Mrs.-Potato-Headed together.

Every guy I've ever been with has gone "Whoooo, boobs", not "Gee, I sure would like your boobs if your nipples looked different, as it is, I think I'll pass."

I am also confused - I also don't really understand what a "perfect nipple" would even look like. Does it dispense gin?

In reading the news this week, including this, all I can think of is that The Onion is not a satirical paper, but a missive sent from the future meant to warn us and we're all fucking idiots.

It's a message from the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Hear and obey!

Dude, little man eats lots of carbs, especially Hawaiian Rolls, but no way on Spaghetti-os. I wouldn't even touch them when I was a baby and everyone ate all processed foods all the time. Ugh just the thought of the memory of the smell of them makes me nauseated. You nauseate me, Mr. Spaghetti-o.

Thin crust over deep dish?

I can be outraged and horny at the same time.

Haha I didn't even think about that.

I'm kind of worried that he might have had a stroke near a keyboard.

I wonder if Jezebel will ever tire of making Florida a punchline. The entire point of this article was basically "haha but yeah, FLORIDA, amirite?!" Ugh. This joke is so dead now.

Way to ruin a fascinating scientific phenomenon by being a straight up asshole, Doug.