“Family, I keep it one and two zeros at all times.”

Jesus Christ

The perspective of his arm/shoulder/body in that photo is really upsetting.

My brother, who has been tested repeatedly and doesn’t have anything officially mentally wrong with him even though every single interaction suggests otherwise, travels two hours out of his way three times a week to go to a certain dialysis place because he likes the way the waitress at the breakfast buffet next door…

I’m disappointed with how humorless Mr. blue-eyed haircut is. Relax mang.

Is it messed up that this turned me on?

Are we sure? I remember every penis like it was yesterday. Men whose penises I’ve seen, this should frighten you. I remember you, penis that looked like an un-shucked ear of corn. I remember every vienna sausage, every lazy wrinkled tortoise neck. And your balls, those two plums knocking around in the bottom of a big…

I think I got off (?) easy.

Why does anyone give a fuck if Storen is upset, past the possible financial implications? He’s a baseball player paid to baseball who’s being moved from a crucial, rewarding spot to an equally crucial, less-rewarding spot. It’s the Washington Nationals, not the Washington Drew Storen’s Feels.

You are wrong, J.J. Watt is white Jesus and Mettenberger is a gross creep and if Mett gets his shit rocked I will touch myself to the sound of his cries.

Jesus. Did he have a stroke?

Wait when did he cut off/take out his sexy luscious locs?! My vagina has a bone to pick with him now.

This is so amazing I may divorce my husband and do it again like this.

Maybe his early drop of the word "pretentious" colored the rest of my reading but that is my general takeaway here.

Is that really your handwriting?

"In typical fashion, one in every 10 violent and choppily edited commercials brings a sanctimonious and overly patriotic commercial brough to you by tampons or the army."

This is Actually Perfect.

Surkamp caption made me legitimately LOL. It's the little things.

For all these "don't feed wild animals" comments, I'm just going to assume bear-loving Russians have a pretty good idea of what they can and can't handle, bear-wise.

*breach