My husband gets so mad at me when I gasp out loud at celebrity news. He always thinks someone has died, and then I'm like, "Hillary Duff is getting a divorce!"

There's a table full of Deadspin guys who were really, really confused.

This acerola cherry and jerusalem artichoke smoothie is going down with a heavy heart.

When I was younger and I uh....had a lot of wisdom teeth out? I had stock in Metamucil.

Margaritas beat gin?

When I was younger I'd have said LSD no question. But now that I'm well into adulthood I have too many heavy adult-like concerns to handle strong psychedelics like that without a total freakout. Coke makes me feel like I can take those concerns and pummel them into submission by sheer force of will.

Cocaine is for assholes. What a dumb drug.

HOW is the slogan for this food not "Eat a Box of Dicks!"??? They really missed an opportunity.

A facebook friend posted a status about how much fun she was having cake-sampling. Without fail, the first comment was "I hope you're spitting those samples back out, missy! Your wedding is only five months away!"

Ooh, this whole phenomenon is infuriating. When I was planning my wedding I was also training for a half marathon. One week after my half marathon, and one week before my wedding, a someone brought in cookies, and someone else shamed me for eating one. "You can't eat cookies! You're getting married next week!"

If the French wanted to take over the world, they wouldn't need weapons of mass destruction or anything like that.

I think it'd be easy to criticize the school but, in fairness, I think we all remember that bit in the bible when Jesus, dying on the cross, says "One last thing before I go, remember to be complete and total dicks to innocent little kids whenever you have the chance. Peace out, losers."

Listen, Friend o' Llama, I don't care who you are, where you're from, or what you did, as long as you know that I'll be doing the same thing tonight.

I would not go to this concert because I am poor and have no friends, butttt the idea makes me so very happy. The backstreet boys were my life :)

I have waitressed. Yes, I forewent the tongs and usually handled your lemon wedge with my bare hands. Deal with it.

DON'T CLICK THE VIDEO! FOR THE LOVE OF DOG IT'S STUCK IN MY HEAD! DAMN YOU LINDY!

I have talked to my folks pretty much every day for the last 10 years, and had seen them almost as frequently (Dad died a couple of years ago). It's mostly a chore. My parents are nice people, but my dad never developed much emotional capacity and wasn't much of a talker, and my mom, bless her, just isn't very bright.…

That's a real thing, they've done studies on it. If you ask native Spanish speakers to describe aspects of forks (fork is the masculine tenedor), they're more likely to use masculine adjectives like "strong", "piercing", or "dangerous". French speakers, from whom fork is feminine, use words like "delicate", "precise",…

When I was in high school, I refused to actually learn Spanish well enough to pass the class, because of how mad masculine and feminine endings made me. I felt like if I actually learned how to say that tables were masculine, I'd somehow be giving into The Patriarchy.

I suspect what they intended to say was "hack up a loogie".