My Facebook feed is full of excited friends posting about this but icy fear shoots through me and roils in my stomach every time I think about my expectations being confronted by the reality of this book.

I grew up with a mother who was orthorexic before it was cool (hipster orthorexic?). As well as no carb, no red food coloring, and a whole lot of other insane rules, there was a particularly fun one about only eating fruit that started with the letter M (in Portuguese), and of course, mandatory Friday fasting, not for…

I mean, yes, I am a nightmare hag and also fuck me

• LITERALLY EVERYTHING VASELINE IS THE ULTIMATE PRODUCT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ITS EXISTENCE

It leads to the totally valid question of "what else are they doing?"

Thank you! Here's an otter for your troubles.

Other than InTouch being assholes, and Kris having the emotional development of a 10 year old, my main takeaway from this is that Khloe is great.

Can we talk about spanx? I don't wear them because aint nobody got time for that. But a friend of mine went through a spanx craze, only to abandon them, because she felt that they squished her body fat in such a way that she looked weirdly tube-like. She called it the 'german sausage' effect. And after she pointed…

You wanna know what is the most disgusting thing I have ever encountered? At aesthetics school, our instructor happened to casually mention something called "black hairy tongue" as something that happens to people as a result of horrible oral hygiene or, rarely, as a side-effect of some medications. The photos I…

This is the best bear because he goes all scorched earth on the apparatus even after the deer is down, thus protecting his brethren from suffering a similar fate.

This is a good bear

They are like greenhouse flowers, rarely if ever able to thrive in the wild.

Good to know!

I now have a large mass of string lodged in my... um, nose. Please advise.

I'm sorry. I don't even have vagina but the thought of a steak knife up there made me squirm.

In years previous I've mentioned a friend of mine- not "friend of a friend", but an actual I know this guy, first name and last name, have been to his annual Pride party for many years- who actually did get a pool ball shoved up there during sexytimes, and had emergency surgery to remove it from his large intestine.…

Selecting an item with a flared base is generally best.

Can you do a form of Kegels to get the bags one at a time and fill them up before pulling them out? I can see this saving time. Asking for a friend.

Sound advice!

My personal favorite was a crack pipe in a vagina, but the follow-up question from the ER nurse was the kicker: "Do we give it back to her?"