This is so sweet. This guy looked like he needed some good news in his life.

While your point about age is well-taken, that does NOT mean that a "dream job" is all it's cracked up to be. Unless the job is to be king. That's a good job.

"LOOK HERE, OPPOSABLE THUMBS—I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO AND I WON'T STAND FOR IT. GIVE THE DOG SOME MORONIC OBSTACLE COURSE TO MANEUVER AROUND IN. I WON'T STAND FOR THIS. NOW TURN YOUR DIGITAL ELECTRONIC VIEWING DEVICE ON. I MUST WARM MY BELLY AND COMMUNICATE WITH THE CAT OVERLORD GENERALS IN THE FIELD AS TO THE…

Every time I see Nicki Minaj, all I can think of is what a great match she'd be for Ruby Rhod. Is that bad?

When I was young my dream was to be the person who wrote the product descriptions in the Coldwater Creek catalog. "Surrounded by whimsy, you will float along the ethereal wings of azure breath in this gauzy, lavender blouse." Seriously, those product descriptions were TOPS.

So Katy Perry paid to have her hair look like she dyed it with Manic Panic a week ago?

Random aside about your rankings of childhood catalogs: did you ever get the American Girl catalogs as a kid? Like the old(ish) school 1990s Pleasant Company catalogs, before Mattel bought them out? As you included the non-clothing items at the end, I was surprised to not see it listed. Because that was the best…

HELL YES. My tween mid-80s fantasy wedding (to Chris with the green eyes) would have been over the damn top. Even Tammy Faye Bakker would be all "Girl, you need to calm down with that."

In your list of catalogs, you forgot Spiegel and Newport News.

"You want to make 100 babies, Johnny? I can help you with that!" -Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture.

He shops at the same Fashion Bug as Daniel Day Lewis, looks like.

Thank you for sharing this. This is what I was thinking while reading about this and he puts it so well, "I consider him a victim," he said. "He should have been in the jungle where he's supposed to be. Not in a house drinking wine and taking Xanax."

That IS a bitch move.

I worked retail in college, and the nicest celebrities I ever assisted were Whitney Houston, Danzig, and Sinbad.

Note: Who ever thought those names would go in a sentence together?

"Excuse me, miss? Is there a parachute available?"

This is supposed to be cute, but in fact it's my worst nightmare, because there's nothing worse than being trapped in an enclosed space and subjected to talent.

My day revolves around cheeses.

In my absolutely-not-at-all-real position of decider of things...you win the night for cleverness in a Jezebel comment. Well played!