We were one digit off from the Sears Catalog pick-up store when I was a kid. We'd always get calls from people looking for their orders. After patiently explaining for a few months, Dad finally started telling them varying descriptions about why their order was lost in transit. The sidesplitting laughter that ensued…

Can you really blame the guy for telling such whoppers?

Callers were surprised to hear of Burger King's new salad menu based on Kevin's repeated insistence to "lettuce alone"

That man is a goddamn American hero.

I've cast Joe Biden as the loveable, sage, yet occasionally bumbling cat-daddy uncle in my life. Like you want to get married just to hear the epic toast he'll deliver at your reception. Like he gave you money behind your parents' backs so you could have a good time. Like he drives a convertible on his way to VP-smash…

I want Joe Biden to be my dad and give me inspiring talks straight out of a '90s family sitcom.

Oh Joe, be still my heart! There are really just no words for how much I love that man!

This is why Joe Biden is my fantasy internet boyfriend. He gets so much shit for gaffes when 99% of the time, he's the smartest and most compelling guy in the room. Of course he would say this. Of course. I love him so much.

Someone's going to do it...

I know the Roomba was first, but it's far from being the benchmark.

And thought he could convincingly push all of the blame towards his soon to be ex wife. Too bad. So sad.

McDonnell isn't the transvaginal guy. That's Cuccinelli. Hence, that procedure is now forever called The Cuccinelli here in VA.

"The McDonnells were first accused of wrongdoing when they fired a chef who they claimed had been stealing food from them. Unfortunately for them (and fortunately for Virginia), the chef had documents proving that Williams had paid for the McDonnells' daughter's wedding."

You would think servers would know this, but they don't. I'm allergic to avocados and I can't even count the number of times I've sent something back because it had avocados on it when I specifically asked for no avocados (and I always tell them it's because I'm allergic to them) and have then had the dish returned to…

I love servers that ask the kitchen. Too many don't. :(

He wears Exclusively Lacoste polos.

Does he think chefs put all things they hate on their menus? Wouldn't it be in their best interest to put their favorite/best dish on their menu for all to enjoy?

Oh god what a TOOL.