Did she have to work in the morning and start to laugh?

That's just the power of love.

Did Simon do most of the work in the orgy, too?

Towards the end of our third date, this girl I was dating sheepishly said she had something important to tell me. Expecting an STD story, I started sweating. It took her five minutes of “Ughhh... this is so hard to say...” before she finally tells me her mom banged Huey Lewis. She got pissed and stormed off when I…

Wait I keep re-reading this and I still can’t figure out how the bottle of conditioner came into play.

My friend used to be a exotic dancer and she was Brett Michaels go to girl in Vancouver for a while. She said he was actually super romantic, would always bring her flowers and was eager to please in bed.

To the dude with this story. Let me share with you a piece of sage wisdom my Dad told me. He said, “Son, if you have to tell someone to stay away from your girl, then she is not your girl.”

I like to imagine when he dies and makes it up to the pearly gates, that’s how St Peter will greet him. “Nigel Barker, noted fashion photographer.”

I went out with Conor Oberst a couple of times. The sex was meh, but I broke it off when he came over to my parents’ house for dinner and pretended like he didn’t know what a potato was. It was obvious to everyone that it was just a shitty joke that he refused to abandon, and my dad eventually kicked him out. I mean,…

Can...you just give us the answers?

Why?

I have three cats and I would just like to say back off, Karlie.

If I ever have kids I look forward to watching them make blissful fools of themselves like that. It’s gotta be one of the best parts of being a parent.

My HS boyfriend’s Senior Prom, I was a junior. I wore a Jessica McClintock dress, very fashionable at the time. It was strapless black satin with a lined bodice, a semi-full skirt, and a bustle in the back. It was my first prom and we were madly in love, so I was really enjoying myself that night. Stretch limo, dinner…

Same story, different party. I was in college at a friend’s engagement party, slow dancing with a good friend who I intermittently slept with and had a tiny, silent but DREADFUL, eye-watering fart slip out. I knew it was gonna be deadly but thought I could “dance” us a few feet away to avoid the worst of it.…

One time I was grinding on some guy in the middle of a huge group of people, and I really had to fart. I expected the Ying Yang Twins to hide the sound and the smell of sweaty 16 year olds going through puberty to mask the smell, but boy I was wrong. The tiny fart I let out ended up being the stinkiest thing that has…