Hmm. When I watch Woody Allen movies I just can’t shut off the part of my brain that says, “You realize all the males are smart, funny and handsome and the females are really stupid hookers?”

She’s partnering with the folks at Etsy to reenact the Kennedy assassination.

I’m old. Please clarify to your parents that they’re sad and stupid.

The woman who was hit is the nuisance rather then the dude who did the hitting. Wild guess: men wrote this law?

No, you just complicated things. How does she stop you from dancing? If “Hungry Like The Wolf” comes on Spotify does she run over and grab your feet? And how does she keep you from seeing her ankles? (This matter puzzles me inordinately considering it can be answered by the word “socks.”)

Here’s a short list of other useless, time-wasting multitasking: lifting weights while you put on deodorant, doing yoga while you jog, and stir-frying eggplant while you’re on the toilet.

I’m vacillatingover two snap judgments: either Mrs. McDonut is secretly ashamed of you or she tells you to your face.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say none of this is true. “Christian Louboton”? Do you also like Channel and Louise Vitton?

The very last thing a cognitive earth dweller will say is, “I hope you enjoy my antics.”

Hip hop isn’t American until Macklemore sings it.

Good piece but the headline is so misleading! There was absolutely nothing about Sting anywhere.

From the parade route, the Girl Scouts will be marched straight into a Miss Universe training hall where they will be taught how to wear stiletto heels with bikinis and a female-centric talent like interpretive dance, opera singing or the hula hoop.

Great piece, but my new purpose in life is to find those souvlaki fries. Help!

I’m relatively certain Trader Joe’s check-out clerks are told to ask you if you found everything you were looking for. If you say yes, they’re happy. If you say no, you have to stand there and wait ten minutes while they confirm that they are actually out of turkey-and-stuffing flavored potato chips.

Movie superheroes are white because movie producers kmow bigots won’t go see black superhero movies. Everyone who pays to see a white superhero movie is saying. “I’m cool with that.”

Don’t do it. I’m currently in a long distance relationship and it’s bliss maybe a month a year but an annoying sexless drag the rest of the time. Texting a relationship sucks. More photos of him having fun? Oh, whee.

Uh, anybody else seeing a Target ad in the middle of the article offering a recipe for “Watermelon Pizza”?

I emailed ex-Ethicist Randy Cohen about an essay contest sponsored by a sector of the government. I’ve seen many essay contests won with hetero “How I Met My Wife” stories but no gay “How I Met My Partner” stories so I made up a hetero story and won $500. I asked Randy if this was ethical, and what to do about…

Okay, she’s incredibly smart for someone offering Americans incredibly stupid TV. What’s next, Stephen Hawking produces a reboot of Small Wonder?

Now I’ve seen it all. High-fallutin’ white people playing air lute.