Any time he says “Believe me” we know he’s lying and he knows he’s lying. The rest of the time I’m not sure he can tell the difference.

Getting vampire facials?

What kind of pussy fight was this? Neither one of them ended up dismembered and buried in a shallow grave in Rock Creek Park.

It’s interesting how the event planners organized this.

An exact replica will also have insufficient lifeboats, and design flaws that cause rivets to shatter at low temperatures, and allow the watertight compartments to flood from the top. Good times!

I would just alter that a little -- open the polls on Saturday and close them on Thursday. Almost no one works seven days in a row, so that would give everyone time to vote on a day they’re not working.

Those buyers forfeited more than $50 million in deposits, and they never took possession of finished units

“We’re gonna need a bigger tie.”

“...that the President will see fit to apologize for them.”

That doesn’t mean he’s going to lose, just that everyone hates him. A fact already in evidence.

Clearly not a mathematician either. It’s 3.125% from the fifth generation (which equals a slice of 0.03125 out of a total of 1.0, or 1/32). Where in the world did you come up with 0.003125% in the next sentence? That would equal a slice of 0.00003125 out of 1.0, something like 15 generations back in time.

If Cara must be imprisoned, then save some space for the gentleman on the left. A plain grey business suit does not meet the standard for a morning coat.

“Some pig” would be a Charlotte’s Web reference. “That’ll do, pig” comes from Babe.

This happens to me all the time. I say, “I want a pig,” (or something similar) and ten minutes later the waiter brings me a pulled pork sandwich.

Can he really identify who was doing the assault? I think he may be a bit confused, poor thing.

I’m just wondering if they found the orangey-tan elephants for her on purpose. Did they give them all cheap spray tans to make her feel at home?

The poor man had to bury the object of his decades-long unrequited love. He’s lashing out in his grief. He needs a survivors’ support group.

I think if you punched either of them, your fist would just get sucked into the blubber and you might not get it back.

“Trix are for kids.” —- therefore, Trix Are the Worst

Cold, cold beer, you make me feel so fine
You keep me rockin’ all of the time
Cold, cold beer, you make me feel so grand
I feel a million dollar when you’re just in my hand
Cold, cold beer, you make me feel so sad
Any time I see you go, it make me feel bad
Cold, cold beer, you make me feel so fine
Monkey back and ease up on…