Actual conversation I had with my son 2 years ago, when he was 9:

He should add a dab of lavender to milk.

He looks like he needs the Little Book of Calm.

Manny!!!!!!!

I've saved myself the trouble and let myself go before marriage.

THANK YOU for commenting on their grammar mistake. Jesus Christ, I find that annoying, especially from a bunch of people who supposedly passed the bar.

Just move all of your kid's stuff out of his room and make him pay for everything to the rest of the family, all of whom are now actors in this elaborate ruse.

How.Dare.You.

I thought it was an allowed medical procedure. Clearly I was oh so mistaken.