Somebody should punch Andy Dean right in the face while his attention is elsewhere. You know, because it’s good exercise. Treadmills and gym memberships are overpriced anyways.

“What is this? Is this shade?”

Calm on the outside. You can imagine whats’ going on inside...

I really wish he could just come out and say “Look we get it you are all racist pieces of shit, but can we at least PRETEND to get something done here” Like the tea party was formed after he gained office, they shut down the government when he makes changes, when he was first elected there was that whole thing about…

Seriously. The amount of white friends who I’ve personally had tell me a combination of how horrible the song is/how the lyrics mean nothing/how it’s unlistenable/how Beyonce doesn’t understand what she’s doing/how unimpressed they were/casually forgot Beyonce is black is depressing.

The fact that it was barely satire tho.

So have you been providing a pregnancy test to all of your prospective sexual partners? I mean, if you think it’s totally reasonable for a woman to have to waste her time, resources, and emotional wellness on stupid amounts of pregnancy tests, I am assuming you think it’s reasonable for men to help provide them, no?

Yes, that was the most infuriating thing about it. I don’t fucking want kids, ever, so to be viewed as pre-pregnant makes me want to scream. And it’s such a slippery slope...I guess we shouldn’t eat soft cheeses or play in contact sports either? Fuck that.

All women of childbearing age should lock themselves in padded boxed and eat nothing but nutritionally controlled gruel.

I mean, what if I’m drinking because I’m not getting laid? WHAT THEN, CDC? You monsters.

Came here to say that. Fuck ‘em. And birth control fails sometimes, so I guess you also shouldn’t drink when on birth control, just in case?

Does the CDC even know how people get pregnant?!?

It’s pretty insulting. Why not just stick with “if you’re trying, don’t drink?” I mean, what’s next? Limit coffee if you’re not on birth control? No sushi? No prescription drugs? No soft cheeses? No roller coasters? Absurd. I mean, come on.

It’ll put hair on your fetus.

Also... don’t have sex unless you’re on birth control.

Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? Okay, I’m day drinking today. Whose with me?

This makes me sad. Not because a dudebro shark got chomped, but because maybe they have too many sharks in the space available. Poor little captive critters. :(

Do you also get the most incredulous faces? Like WHOA I AM A MAN YOU SEE ME RIGHT?

In a similar but unrelated note, I now bump into men who walk right into my path instead of moving to the side as we pass on narrow sidewalks.

Post-wine texted this to the ex-husband who keeps contacting me