Combined with your screenname, this is perfect.

it prevented the russians from taking over, duh

My friends and I made a high school film involving the train formation. We are no longer allowed around high schools.

I’m not gonna tell you guys how to do your jobs, but...

If Noah doesn’t want to support an organization that ruins young men’s lives then he shouldn’t have signed with the Knicks.

Curt hasn’t been this invested in a trainwreck since 38 Studios.

Chris Matthews: I bet you can’t name one foreign leader you admire.

The shit doesn’t fall far from the ass.

“Wow! ‘Avoid the clap. - Yoenis Cespedes’... Awesome!”

They had to keep their cars cool, see, because they had just pulled over...MORGAN FAIRCHILD! Yeah, that’s the ticket!

His voice is like the grown-up version of Kyle’s cousin from South Park.

Why was King reading Trump’s teleprompter?

I don’t want to know how many Americans found this on accident by Googling “Kaepernick Lynch.”

You can’t spell special without ACL

It was too risky. The straight path to the locker room cuts directly through a day care.

Diner: “Can I have the double bacon cheeseburger, fries, beer and the injured player walk-through special please.”

Waiter: “Would you like the special teams player injury or can I interest you in upgrading to a starter?”

You’d think a guy bragging about building a wall could manage a few curtains.

“These are the healthiest players ever.”

That's a lot of words just to tell everyone you do Ironmans.

If he doesn’t want to get hit in the head, maybe he shouldn’t wear a helmet. He’s just asking for it when he’s dressed like that.