At least he’s not trying to convince us that drinking Recovery Water can get you laid

This screed is ten times better when read in Peggy Hill’s voice.

Skip Bayless’ dry cleaner is torn between knowing he’s finally going to be able to afford that swimming pool, and dreading how he’s going to earn it.

Speaking as a lifelong Mets fan, I’m glad Randy Johnson is retired.

It’s not trolling until he sends IK out for the coin toss in week 10.

This is the dick pic I send to all the ladies I know on the Twitter.

We can’t bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell ‘em stories that don’t go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my…

Damn, LeBron, last dude from Ohio anyone saw fuck up Atlanta that badly was this guy.

Pff, that’s hardly the first time a 12-year career has culminated in a win over Gravity.

Making bombs is bad.

One of the first images to pop up via an image search for his name:

"Some people are fans of the Carolina Panthers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Carolina Panthers..."

For his part, Derrick Rose couldn't make it all the way through Unbroken.

You can't win having kids (pulls out)

"I call that move the Moment of Zen."

Gronk can read?

Too bad we can't do the same with the Floyd Mayweather-themed erotica I saw yesterday.

I hope that robot wouldn't malfunction, gaining it's own self consciousness, then decided to getting up all night to get lucky. (Start to break into the song, guys!)