There's a tradition that anything that follows "I'm not a doctor, but..." has to be bad medical advice; I'm glad you're a traditionalist.

THIS IS GREAT NEWS FOR ME.

I think I just switched teams.

Right, because asking a sales person for a size and finding out they don't carry it is the same as having someone make unsolicited comments about your weight and being asked to leave the store.

Cool! Archimedes Death Ray!

No one knows what the mice are eating after the scientists leave.

Then how do you explain that lab mice are also getting fatter, despite no change in diet? Not saying we should suddenly start eating just fat and sugar, but clearly it's more complicated than you want it to be.

That really doesn't make sense. Americans are fat because of sugar. It's not that complicated. Sugar or corn syrup is in everything. Companies are pumping this stuff into everything, and people are gorging it.

I certainly don't put all my spend on alcohol in the alcohol section, it makes me look like an alcoholic...

Ahem, Jolene doesn't actually steal the man; she's being warned not to in the song. ;-)
And in real life, that shameless hussy was unsuccessful! Dolly and Carl have been married nearly 50 years.

Goddamn, I love Dolly Parton.

Dolly is a fucking National Treasure.

Oh, lay off. What's the matter with objectification? Everyone does it even if most of the people on this website won't admit it and get very annoyed if you quite reasonably point out that they are doing it. [And you weren't very polite about it.] Or they have some tortured and hilarious reason for why objectifying…

Um, the camera isn't steady, meaning that someone is holding it. Meaning I would like to apply for the job Shower Photographer as soon as possible.

You're welcome, world, for sharing this .gif with you. Go. Go on and use it.

Will they be effective if worn backwards when you have diarrhea?

nice protip :)

I want to be vaccinated against Jenny McCarthy, but I heard the Jenny McCarthy vaccine causes Jenny McCarthy.

Hissssssss. DO NOT WANT.

Errrr. Yep. You get a "ding" sound and then the whole thing shuts off.