My grandfather died without ever having seen the cubs win the world series. So, my Dad, ever the crazy asshole he is, brought a radio out on the porch so gramps could listen in from heaven. We all thought he was going out there to jack off, but nope he was going out there to be with his Dad, which I thought was sweet.…

In 2001, I said to my dad (like me, a lifelong Red Sox fan), “I guess with all that happened this year, you have to root for the Yankees in the World Series.”

Just before the final out, my 95 year old grampa, veteran of two wars, cancer survivor, and long-suffering cubs fan, pulled me aside and, with a tear forming in his steel grey eyes, said, “The blacks ruined this neighborhood and your sister dresses like a whore.” This was for him.

In 2005, when the White Sox won it all, I told my wife at the start of the post season not to even ask, that I would get worse the longer it went on, that it was likely to end in heartbreak, and that it absolutely did not fucking matter whether or not they “at least played well” and if she asked me that after they…

Jordan would have gotten actual tombstones.

At the Warriors’ Halloween party, Steph Curry simply ate 73 cookies and wept.

Ronaldo Artest

“The year was 1914, on the scorching planes of north africa, I remember it like it was yesterday. The Ottomans held fast against our lines and we feared our unit would not last the night. That was when Sergeant Reginald proposed a brilliant plan to breach their defenses. I told him there was no chance of our tank…

You know, I went and looked it up!

there’s a guy outside who says he needs to be in here

Did you just all lives matter me

-1 no humor sense

but Stevie Wonder isn’t blind

I’m imagining a bug where Joe Hart is stranded in Turin forever. Ends up retiring and opening a small fish & chips shop + barber.

I haven’t seen fanatics trade so many killer punches since Jonestown, 1978.

The other possible options with any level of transparency are a joke. Both Jill Stein and Gary Johnson are clowns.