Deadspin Commenter: [awakens from three-day bender]

This would be a good time to mention that it still took him four tries to hit a target larger than the strike zone.

Their dedication to the cause made me cry. In my pants.

The guy from Detroit makes an allusion to purgatory!

From: skipper@espn.com

Quit being so hard on them, John. I mean, if you can think of a better way for female reporters to establish their credentials as serious journalists than releasing a video of them mishandling sports equipment as if they've never seen it before, then I'd like to hear it.

IT'S "THE MAIN EVENT", NOT "THE MAIN STEVENT"!!!

"Ladies and Gentleman, we have a FUCKING football team."

-Zygi Wilf, Oct. 7, 2005

Just look at yourself right now. This is how you spend your time.

Shit's weak.

Yeah, this product neither needs to exist, nor should it exist. The fact that it DOES exist bothers me. Just no. No. No no no.

Coming in your pants is never going to be a thing. Stop trying to make coming in your pants happen.

Tebow celebrated by overthrowing himself a party.

Well, you know what they say, a hand in the bush is worth any two birds. I think.

If anyone here is dismissing this as "too sensitive" or "lighten up" and is not black or has ever had some kind of relatable experience with natural hairstyles, please kindly shut up and find a shred of empathy in your life.

This was incredibly well written, Wayne, but I feel like it's missing something. I'd suggest shoehorning some lazy pop culture references and footnotes into your piece.

6. ONLY THE GOALIES CAN TOUCH THE BALL WITH THEIR HANDS

I actually don't think our documentary was white enough.

Bobby Joe went to Arkansas, and made his fortune as a Rebel Wildcatter. Bobby Joe's wife went to LSU. There are plenty of Gamecocks incorporated in this story, and Johnny Football goes to Texas A & M. I apologize for not finding any Manziel family stories about Gators or Bulldogs, though I'm happy to publish a…