When you try to put on sunglasses like a human and they just slide off your head because you lack functioning ears, do you just cry and cry?

This. People who don't have kids on one don't get it. They think it's ok if little johhny misses his nap. They think we are crazy for keeping on a strict schedule. They are wrong.

He knows when you've been sleeping,

She's not going to take your balls either way

Some Questions About That Auburn-Alabama Game

OK, but is anyone all that surprised? I grew up in Alabama, half from French Creole bayou stock. I know people like this. For some places, this is progressive. I'm not saying it's necessarily acceptable, he should absolutely face consequences because words have consequences. But honestly, something like this was just…

I guess if your from the backwoods bayou and you make your millions in the backwoods bayou, there isn't much reason to expect your politics to get out of the backwoods bayou.

but not as small as your dick

I still remember Matt Bryant's kick from 2006. Its definitely the worst way to lose a game. You convince yourself that because of the distance that your team has it in the bag, but no, some should-be soccer player, steals it away.

Kickers are really the biggest dicks in sports.

Probably a left back or right back (they're small but need to have a strong leg to cross).

he's kind of small...

Seeing how's he's just booting balls deep, probably goalie.

Justin Tucker speaks five languages, has hit 33 field goals in a row, just kept his team's season alive with a game-winning 61 yarder on the road (a career high), hit six field goals in a game (a Raven record), and then congratulated all fantasy teams who own him (as I made the championship with him outscoring Calvin)…

Can we bring in a Deadspin writer to re-do this with actual comedy?

I learned some critical information from my doctor about 6 weeks ago. I'll never forget it. It was always, ... no, no, never, run with the treadmill at 0 degrees incline. He said that you should have at least 2 degrees or more elevation if you are just pounding out a few miles on a treadmill instead of doing the…

I suck at running (see super long comment below, if you want), and I've never been an athlete, but could part of the problem be because you may not be extending fully on a treadmill like you would running on open ground? Or that treadmills are so springy compared to some earth? I know the few times I've tried to jog…

While both teams are hopeless, it's been a fun game. And there's the RGIII/Shanahan/Cousins/Snyder storyline.

I hope Dallas blows up the Packers, because fuck Green Bay. Fuck Dallas, too, but fuck Green Bay harder.

It sucks even more knowing that I can't watch the Saints later. Blahh....why do I have to watch the Pack face Dallas?

They also set the makeup gun to "whore" in the Photoshopped version.