Oh he’s definitely a subscriber:

He grinned at me, lifted his kilt and without even hesitating, flopped his sad, exposed wiener onto our stainless steel counter top.

The story about the cancer-free anniversary “date” is one of the most pathetic things I’ve ever read. That’s some Ralph Wiggum/Lisa Simpson shit right there.

Hippos are goddamn terrifying and I fully expect that the handler in the video has since lost his arms and life.

9. Small Cats.

half the animals here wish it were the head of the person feeding them the watermelon

Fuck you, Carl. FUCK. YOU.

Quotes from the story, ranked:

No bears were harmed during the filming of this bullshit.

Going out on a limb: both Carl and the bear shit in the woods?

I’m couldn’t hear the audio over the sound of his balls clanging together.

COPS but for law-abiding citizens

I’m suddenly an Orioles fan.

“Sure, I appreciate it, Dad. Giving me a football with my own autograph on it just seems a little odd.”

Many balls from Cutler fall well short of their target.

In the auction business, we call an unmet starting bid a “reserve,” which is precisely what Mr. Cutler should be.

Oh, I have a wonderful example of this in action. I'm at work. Myself and the other women in the office start feeling weird. Headaches, dizziness, etc. We think we can smell gas. We become concerned. The men are all "whatever, you are all crazy". This goes on for a couple hours. We are feeling really gross. The men…

Rolling through prices?