Hippos are goddamn terrifying and I fully expect that the handler in the video has since lost his arms and life.

9. Small Cats.

half the animals here wish it were the head of the person feeding them the watermelon

Fuck you, Carl. FUCK. YOU.

Quotes from the story, ranked:

No bears were harmed during the filming of this bullshit.

Going out on a limb: both Carl and the bear shit in the woods?

I’m couldn’t hear the audio over the sound of his balls clanging together.

COPS but for law-abiding citizens

I’m suddenly an Orioles fan.

“Sure, I appreciate it, Dad. Giving me a football with my own autograph on it just seems a little odd.”

Many balls from Cutler fall well short of their target.

In the auction business, we call an unmet starting bid a “reserve,” which is precisely what Mr. Cutler should be.

Oh, I have a wonderful example of this in action. I'm at work. Myself and the other women in the office start feeling weird. Headaches, dizziness, etc. We think we can smell gas. We become concerned. The men are all "whatever, you are all crazy". This goes on for a couple hours. We are feeling really gross. The men…

OK, I get that was a douche bag move by the officer. But what the fuck was the deal with the camera person. He speeds up in traffic to get his footage, then almost takes out both the biker and the cop (when the cop makes his douche bag move) while laying on the horn in the process. Then proceeds to stalk the cop…

Rolling through prices?

Ah yes, $500 for the first consultation, and $100 an hour after that

Where is that octopus nope nope nope gif when I need it? *mind blown*