Then fucking win in the playoffs?

“What was he thinking?”

The most underrated band of the ‘90s was Poop Towel.

Which would you really rather have when you grow up?

Jesus FC

Two suggested additions: intermission peewee hockey (which I would rank separately from #24, and which imho is a top 10 event) and “jumbotron shows some iteration of the shell game” (which is always bad and yet you cannot take your eyes away from it).

CTRL-F “frisbee dogs”

You do realize that is not what the panel was criticizing. Their comments were about the celebrations, not the score.

So we have a young, non-Canadian player who just beat Canada’s national team for a championship, and is now blowing off the NHL scouting combine to party his way around his home country for a week.

Goddamn, man. This being Deadspin, I want to make a joke...but I just can’t; nothing about child abuse is humerus.

Which sport has best casual stance?

[extremely Attenborough voice] and so the Predator becomes... the prey

Shut the fuck up.

I dunno, it worked for Kansas.

“That’s the first time he’s done that this year.”

‘Hallelujah’ is “cloying garbage?” NO!!!

The nephew’s name? Jimbo Slice

There were 3- almost FOUR- defensive touchdowns in the game. Having the ball in that game also meant a higher-than-average likelihood of giving points to the opponent. Stop ignoring the fact that the DLs on both teams looked like monsters for 50% of the plays.

Step 1: Make friends.