A moment please for Victoria's first season mostly competent bodyguard, Frank, played by Max Martini. Frank figured out the whole thing only to be walloped by a stripper with a tire iron while leaving a message for Victoria (who TOTES was going to return his affection, natch). You were my favorite Frank.

I don’t know... Ponds are vicious:

This is why you don’t go chasing waterfalls. Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.

I had a woman request a new glass of ice water, because, and I can’t make this up, “her ice water was watered down.”

“you’ve never worked with the general public before.”

I’ve been working with General Public so long, he was just Lieutenant Public when I got started.

“How dare you mock the guy for not knowing what the beach is? Some people make it to age 50 without visiting the beach and somehow completely missing the ever-present representations of beaches in popular culture. Besides, many people suffer from Glorpman’s Syndrome, which is an inability to understand the…

So true. It isn’t like a lot of European nations, where four weeks’ vacation in a year is expected and understood to be healthy. Our work culture is all kinds of messed up.

Plus, getting a passport is kind of a hassle, and the US is big and diverse enough that you can have pretty much any kind of vacation you want domestically. Want to go to a tropical beach? Florida or Hawaii. Skiing? Colorado. Big cultural party? New Orleans during Mardi Gras.

Americans don’t travel because we don’t get mandatory vacation time, those of us who do have vacation time don’t use it because they don’t want to fall behind professionally, travel time alone to and from Asia/Europe/Australia takes a full day, and it is very expensive for most Americans, i.e. there are no…

I’m not sure how much of a travel preventative food is. The truth is, most of us can’t afford it. It isn’t like we can just hop on a train and be in France.

your mom is a saint. i would have taken you down to the crick and drowned you.

The very worst clean-your-plate saying I’ve ever heard about was:

Do not encourage my kids! We’re not talking about real food here. This is Ragu spaghetti sauce piled on either spaghetti, ziti, elbow macaroni, or shells. It all tastes the same.

That just sounds all around horrible.

I don’t know why, but picky eaters frustrate me so much. Like I can understand not liking certain things, but people who go to awesome restaurants and order the chicken tenders every time just kill me. Or people who write off entire food groups, I had a friend who refused to eat vegetables. And her brother refused to…

Almost every parent I know started out saying “My kid will NOT be picky! I’m not going to cater to it and my child will eat EVERYTHING.” Fast forward a number of years and they usually say “I was so naive!”

I HATE adults who never outgrew that phase. In kids, that kind of pickiness is amusing and sometimes infuriating. In fucking adults it’s just unacceptable and I don’t care if this makes me a bitch but if you’re a grown up with the tastebuds and food sophistication of a 5 year-old, I will lose all respect for you.

My college ex would LITERALLY say: “I can’t eat this, it’s green.”

This is REASON #3 why we chose not to have kids. It sounds minor, but we really like the way we currently eat and cook, and I just don't want mealtimes to be a headache for years.