Seriously. Behind Closed Ovens, Millihelen, and Mark Shrayber are always my top interests.

Came here to say the same.

Thank you, I truly do appreciate it...been trying to find distractions for my time. I want all the makeup at Sephora because he hated that I wore lip plumper so I stopped. Fuck him I like lip plumper. Next guy can just get used to me stinging their fucking lips when I kiss them because I’m not being a door mat…

He’s one of those men who legitimately look better with age. It’s the human embodiment of what you want for your investment portfolio.

I’m blown away you can eat a chocolate chip muffin at minute one. It takes me at least two hours to work up a breakfast pastry appetite.

The other cats hate the three who participated. “Fuck you guys, fucking sell outs. Clive, you literally jumped through hoops for those assholes. And Jeremy. The applause banner. Really, you sad motherfucker? Where’s your dignity?”

The way the trainers got the cats out of their cages is how my boyfriend gets me out of bed in the morning:

I remarked to my girlfriend after she heard about this story that “if I ever get that kind of brain damage from anything, please, pull the plug. I don’t want to survive that.”

To which she said “if I found out you got brain damage after a night in a whorehouse, I’d gladly pull the plug.”

I know. Deklan is a terrible name.

FOUR?!? Wtf is other mom stressing about? Let kids be fucking kids before you put them on a life track to satisfy the desires you had in high school that weren't realized. Shit!

... And I said that where? Do you work in a movie theater? Cuz you're projecting, dude.

It’s fucking blue and black! Do not start with that shit again.

Remember kids: Black Lives Matter is a bunch of whiners who are looking for reasons to be offended. The real oppression is a lack of Christmas iconography on your coffee cups.

I’m prettttty sure he forgave her & they got back together after that, but I could be wrong.

best surprise in your bed EVER

I thought it was you!

I’m just gonna leave this here.

Me too. I’m still holding out hope they get back together, but this is more than an acceptable diversion.

Ran an ad in the paper, got hundreds of responses because my ad was the Ad of the Week and read on the radio twice a day for a week. Went out with Caller #2. First date lasted 4 days; been together over 23 years (made it legal over 8 years ago).