How ‘bout, “Don’t touch me anymore.” or “That’s enough” or “Ay! Lesbiana! GET OFF ME!”

We feel bad for a man who has had a rough life, witnessed far too many loved ones die, and ultimately succumbed to the throes of addiction and depression.

Yeah, I feel like Madeleine probably knows that, but “peaked” worked to make a joke.

we do

The only people who worry about putting bumper stickers on Bentley’s are people who have to return them when the lease is up, Kimmy.

Bless your heart.

When I go running, I fart. A lot. Normally I am running by myself so I just let them rip without shame, or until I am at least far enough away from the person running past me to claim a smelt it dealt it situation. So one night I had gone for a 5 mile jog at this park near my house (shout out to Green Lake) and I…

She is everything.

My apartment was never as clean as it was when my son was a baby, because he loved being in a carrier and walked around so I’d basically pop him into a sling and then clean the apartment every day. We also went for walks all the time.

This is horrible. If you were born before 1982, almost all of our parents would have been arrested.

I’m sure this divorce is being very closely managed by each of their PR reps. Somewhere in the agreement it is stated how long they would wear their rings post announcement.

I don’t know who you are or what your feet look like. Calm down.

It’s cute how you believe whatever the police tell you.

I know, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! This is some ugly shit!

DRAKE’S REACTION IS SO FUCKING PRICELESS OH MY GOD

180 seconds of my life I will never, ever get back.

“When I can’t afford it on my pay, I don’t want people on the taxpayer’s dime to afford those kinds of foods either.”

Agreed. That is one flawless looking baby.

Well played, Cal. Well goddamn played.

Okay, raise your hand if you thought Dubya was going to get the blame when they saw the headline.