God, I’m so BORED with this shit. Another straight white baby boomer dude self-glorying wankfest (nostalgia edition). How can a single demographic be so endlessly entertained with itself! And so institutionally narcissistic that it assumes that literally everyone agrees on how fascinating every detail of their…

Obviously the point is to get them as close to naked as possible. It’s not like this has to do with swimming.

but the main thing is: how is this our business?

I’m confused. Does that mean eat her pussy like she’s really old or like, the last supper, she just got finished with a Passover Seder and is probably really exhausted and drunk?

So another 6 months to a year for you guys. You had a good run.

14 HOURS? I bet they didn’t let her pump either. Her boobs had to have been agonizingly sore.

She keeps using that word. I don’t think it means what she thinks it means.

She forgot the most important ingredient of all. Cocaine. Seriously, she’s like Gwenyth Paltrow on steroids. Organic, free range, fair trade steroids.

*looks in mirror at self, notices unplucked eyebrows, hairy legs, dress from old navy, suspiciously dark upper lip hairs, chewed on nails and 25 extra pounds* *shrugs*

Absolutely nothing. My girlfriend and I fart, and burp around each other all the time. She’s disappointed that her farts aren’t super audible, but her belches are impressive.

What is wrong with a little fart?

OH MY GOD BURN. man! you got me so good!

Ann Coulter may be the human equivalent of a giant pile of horse shit but at least she can form a sentence. This Stacy Dash tweet is just pure word salad with a “dash” of #humblebrag about how skinny she is

I’m working on creating some sort of scholarship for guys who have either already gone through their whole trustfunds or just want to prove to their dads that they can do it totally on their own with their parents only paying their rent, car, and insurance. We’re in the beginning stages, but a kickstarter is in the…

I’m a frayed knot.

THANK YOU

They probably suggested making it pink. Everyone knows women are colorblind to every wavelength of light except pink.

Absolutely fuck those people victim blaming, and saying, “if you don’t want pictures out there,” nonsense.

What they won’t say but believe “They should have married a rich guy who can afford to fly them to another country to have a secret abortion, like I do with all my mistresses.”

Ted Cruz is that one guy on a night out who refused to get the bus with everyone else, and you’re stuck waiting around for him at the pub before the club for so long that you fuck off to the club (you call/text him and he doesn’t call back), only to get continuous texts with variations of “Where r u?” that you don’t…