Todd Haley shits in the urinals when the stalls are occupied.

Todd Haley claimed it was a compliment, because he actually called the eight-year-old a "Re-Todd".

On a family trip to Mexico, Todd Haley repeatedly asked everybody "who won the war?"

Todd Haley hates the phrase "two in the pink, one in the stink". His reason, "the math is all wrong, bro"

Todd Haley once impregnated a woman just to brag about having a threesome.

Todd Haley stole my wallet and my playstation 2

Todd Haley's pajamas = a leopard print speedo and a bomber jacket.

Todd Haley takes more than 10 items to the express line because, in his words, "It's all gonna come out as one item."

Todd Haley thinks of his Prom night anytime someone uses the term "Buttfumble"

Todd Haley steals candy from babies then complains to the refs when the baby steals it back.

Todd Haley watched the movie Crash and thought it was good.

Todd Haley visited a dying kid at a hospital and asked if he had any good meds,

Todd Haley kept yelling "I ain't going home til y'all play 'Freebird'" during his daughter's piano recital.

Todd Haley applied to be Ariel Castro's intern.

Todd Haley loudly criticized the terrible green-screen lines in the Wild Bunch sequence of Labyrinth while it was being shown to a children's cancer ward.

Todd Haley tries to charge guests for Solo cups at his family's dinner parties.

Todd Haley drives a Buick Century with a 1997 Police Benevolent Association in the hopes that they will "cut him some slack" if he gets pulled over drunk.

Todd Haley snuck into a Health classroom at a local school and defaced every single book on sexual reproduction. Inside the chapter on penises, he crossed out the word erection and wrote in "Getting a Massive Todd"

Todd Haley dipped through the duration of Back To School night, pausing only to publicly draw attention to "the tits on the new one."

Todd Haley once sold me a playbook laced with deworming agent