Mrs. Roethlisberger said "I'm surprised we were able to conceive, considering how much time Ben spends outside the pocket."

He's a U of A student. The vomiting is probably just too many jello shots at the Meet Rack.

I grew up in Cave Creek, Arizona, and still remember when "Crazy Ed" opened his brewery next to his tourist trap restaurant and western town. So I've had my fair share of encounters with his Chili Beer (I think Ed's out of the puttin' chilis in pisswater beer game). I can say that it is spicy as hell—it is not…

Peep the Camaro, bro. Does this look like the ride of someone who dinks and dunks? The last time I dinked and dunked it was into your Mom, Benny Boy, and she didn't go running to the media to complain. Now you shut your hairy fucking caveman mouth, get out there, dodge three unblocked pass rushers, and throw that…

Don't you think I want to? Don't you think I would? Don't you think I'd tell you baby if I only could?

Death is a delightful hiding place for weary men.

It's me. Six years and I'm reduced to this. Too old and too crusty to bother learning this newfangled kinjamabobber or convert my account. Can't resist a "Todd Haley as an 80's teen movie antagonist" joke, though.

Todd Haley likes Pittsburgh so far, bro. Even changed the name of my penis from "arrowhead" to "the Pittsburgh pirate," cuz it only got one eye, bro. Ha! Your mom likes it. Haley out. (peels out of parking lot in IROC, puts on Oakleys, puts middle finger up through the t-tops)

Bro. Bro? BRO! I played lacrosse for an east coast prep school and a little in college, alongside longhaired, entitled guys named "Hamilton" and "Rutherford." And i can say with mucho confidence the "lax bro" meme is completely deserved. Don't fight it. Embrace it, brochacho.

You forgot to say "HOOOBOYJAMBALAYACRAWDAD."

In 1987 I was 12 years old and living in rural Arizona. My sister, who was 15, was dating none other than Cory Caldarazzo—the local bad ass blond mulleted 16 year old with a rich dad who bought him an IROC complete with T-Tops. So by association I thought I was the shit. Well, Alice Cooper and the Scorpions played a…

Try as he might, Tony LaRussa just can't stay out of baseball.

Look at the bright side. In the future, strippers won't need stage names.

Sure is a lot of essential information that is still [to come]. Good thing it's a state school....just pull an all nighter, Judge Freeh.

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