"My wife does everything"

"People! I ain't people! I'm a... 'a shimmering, glowing star in the cinema firmament.' It says so, right there."

"I make more money than... than Calvin Coolidge! Put together!"

"Whaddya think I am, dumb or something?"

Lessons to people getting married:

I f*cking hate chair covers. They can dig their own f*cking grave and die in it! Chair covers are just awful chunks of gaudy fabric trussed up with an equally gaudy bow. Chair covers can go f*ck themselves in their stupid dust ruffle with a rusty piece of salvage rebar.

POLL: Do you remember the wedding colors in the last wedding you attended?

People always used to tell my now-husband that as we were planning our wedding, and it drove me nuts because I am completely not a control freak, I hate planning parties, and I wanted it to be our ceremony, not just mine! That advice was about the only thing that was driving me crazy...by about the 7th time we heard…

Probably! It is SHOCKING the fugly shit people will pay extra for. I've had florists show me overlays that were just unspeakable.

I just do NOT understand Wedding Induced Psychosis! I realize I'm dead inside and never wanted all the fucking fluffy shit when it came to my own wedding but I LOVE going to other people's weddings, dressing nice, eating food, getting drunk, and crying at all the love. Isn't it supposed to be about the marriage and…

Well it's South Carolina so, as a native, I'm going to assume it was a debate between some shade of camo and Game Cock red.

Let's clarify a few things! I'm actually pretty much obsessed with etiquette and politeness. That's why I said "sorry," before I even asked the guy to move. I didn't touch him or get in his space in any way when I reached up to put my bag in the bin. I didn't "lean over him." In fact, I put my bag in the bin behind…

Just, don't go to Gawker. Ever.

That is just RUDE and yes.

The Prophet and I ring in the New Year with a bang. Literally. We fuck from one year into the next. Awkwardness? Nope. Just a fresh start to a brand new year.

Thank you so much for the kind words! Don't be afraid to start to learn ballet, it is such a wonderful, joyful thing and it can make you feel so free. There are a lot of caring teachers out there. Do it!

GUYS I just performed tonight for the first time in countless years. My character was... a visually impaired ballet teacher. Yeah, OK, not much of a stretch, but I not only had to dance, but also ACT, which is something I have never done before. It was an incredible experience and I got amazing feedback.

And one more of my girl (I have two others, and I feel I'm neglecting them, but she just did this):

By popular (not really) demand, I am going to start a kitten and cat thread.