I guess now is a bad time to ask you where my wedding gift is? Did you think you could get away with just the lovely bachelorette party, hilarious/sweet toast, multiple instances of hand-holding, and Allen djing??? Consider this the confrontation I knew we had to have!

What. The. Eff.

Maybe she thought that she didn’t have to give us a wedding gift because she was a bridesmaid?

Don’t believe it for a second. That was an attempted homicide.

Many years ago at the group home for developmentally disabled teens where I worked there was a resident who really, really wanted to go to the best steak house in the city for his 18th birthday. He had behavior and anger issues, but was determined to earn that birthday dinner, and he managed it. So another staff…

Not really. I think most people would agree that steak, etc. is much better for a dinner date. More importantly the diner was being a jerk by requesting something off menu and at the wrong time of the day. The griddle is probably at a different temperature than it is for breakfast, and they probably don’t have mixed…

Everyone knows the real way to impress your date is to order them fish-flavored pancakes during dinner rush. DUH.

They never “made you” because you’re not an abuser. That’s the number one excuse abusers give. As someone with the same aggressive tendencies as you, my understanding is that it’s up to US to curb our aggression and channel it in a more productive way. It’s no one’s fault we are the way we are, and we shouldn’t burden…

“The kind of shit that makes someone abusive” is in your messed up, fucked up head. Nothing justifies that, you dick.

He does. He’s functional to a point but he needs a mental health intervention like yesterday.

I was happy with that bit, because right up until that point I was genuinely worried that this entry was about my dad. Since he loves Wetherspoons food (For non-UK people, ‘Spoons is where you go when you would like to imbibe alcoholic beverages but for whatever reason are unable to at that time go absolutely anywhere…

Maybe when someone has been locked in a basement their whole lives, you shouldn’t be taking Kimmy Schmidt to the sandwich shop first thing.

Anyone who eats in a Weatherspoons, particularly on “cheap steak night” could definitely be that stupid, trust me.

“Oh, they’re a vegetarian, so they won’t eat anything that looks like meat.”

This was probably 40 years ago, but my uncle is pretty good at a lot of things, so I’m gonna say yes. Apparently he went to work during his blackout as well. It was a very productive blackout overall.

You’re disgusting. People have asked this before, but please stop sharing your disgusting, disturbing, and probably made-up stories in the hopes of getting women to share their sexual histories with you. I think your tactics are pretty played out and well known, and they’re not going to work any better on Jezebel.

Was the patio well made? Like, I don’t mean to pry but that is a very productive blackout, I with I was that productive sober.

Oh, honey. That’s not so bad. I punched someone during my one and only blackout. They were not amused.

I am a bit phobic about air travel. I’m the spazzy person who white knuckles the arm rest and goes into meditative breathing anytime the captain mentions it’s time to buckle up because we have some turbulence ahead. But twice now I have been seated next to the only person on the plane who was more afraid to fly than I…

My boob.