I just snorted and my officemates are looking at me funny and I have to pretend it’s because my allergies are acting up, so THANKS A LOT BOBBY

She told police that she felt something was ‘not right’ so she removed the scarf and mask, and saw Newland standing there wearing a woolly hat, swimming suit and prosthetic penis.

This has inspired me to start marketing a line of Maury Povich “You Are Not The Father!” workout videos.

You want a baby? I can get you a baby, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don’t wanna know about it, believe me. Hell, I can get you a baby by 3 o’clock this afternoon... with a birth certificate.

He’s a Lear and she’s a Lady Macbeth.

I hope I never get famous. My first album was the A-Teens debut when I was five.

Everything you need to know about Kris Jenner is that she apparently has no problem with her teenage daughter dating this low-life.

I recently saw a video of Tyga being a total ass clown on some MTV rap game show back in the day and just thought, “he seems like the kinda dude who would date a 17 year old when he’s 25 and brag about it.”

It’s like she’s a malfunctioning chatbot.

ARKEN HATH SPOKEN!

How did “Joe The Plumber” get extended into Average Everyday Joe Sixpack America? What’s next, “Normal Average Regular Everyday Joe Sixpack Hotdog Football America”?

“ah yes, i hear you workers like a refreshing lager after a hard day, just as i do”

ISIS? No. Taliban? Pretty damn close.

shes like the living embodiment of that steve buschemi gif but with fellow normals instead of fellow kids.

HELLO FELLOW BLUE COLLAR HUMANS, I, HILLARY CLINTON, RELATE TO YOU, AS YOU CAN SEE, BY THIS GIANT PIECE OF FARM EQUIPMENT

Executive assistant to the Press Secretary for the RNC.

Donald Trump’s trophy wife, maybe.

i was like ‘idk how this is relevant information but thank you very much for including it’

Why didn’t I go to professional mime school

This girl sounds incredibly bad ass, and so does her mother. And fuck the fucking misogynistic media.