I’m calling it first. Their celebrity portmanteau will be ‘Mariah’ in recognition of the distinct elements each bring to the proper relationship.

Release the damn tapes before January 20 or hush, child.

The telling part is that Russia hacked both the RNC and the DNC. They only released the DNC information, which means they are blackmailing the Republicans to get their way. And as we all know Republican priorities are 1) themselves, 2) the party, and 3) the nation.

since he cant sell burgers at his restaurant and can’t sell his steaks at sharper image, he has to take his beef to twitter.

Secretary of the Navy because... water?

When is this guy getting a cabinet position in the Trump administration?

History book: “Donald Trump became the first President ever impeached while being sworn in as President.”

...end times. Rapture the motherfuckers already.

I believe the term is tough love.

I’m sure Baldwin never imagined that this would be his lasting contribution to the world. 

“Let’s face it, he’s going to look out for corporations, to make things work for them, to bring jobs back home,” Terry said. “And as things trickle down — as they’re going to because it’s America — the little guy will get something, too.”

Every time Kellyanne Conway speaks, a bird flies into a window.

“International Federation of Bodybuilding president Rafael Santonja”

Fridays (if your bosses are chill) or Thursdays (if your bosses are nerds)

Everybody cared about Henry VIII’s boner. His boner created the Church of England.

When are we going to start calling out Obama on this head in the sand shit? You still work here.

Racism is not a mental illness, nor is mental illness an excuse for racism.

Constitutional Lawyers? You mean like that guy named Barack Hussein Obama? Wouldn’t that be some Karmic Justice? :P

Absolutely. He needs to sweat. He lost the popular vote. By a lot. We don’t have to make anything easy for him—and in fact, it’s our goddamn duty to make leading as hard as possible. He wanted this, he’s gonna have to fucking work.