It's a two-hour movie, and I'll bet it feels like, oh, ten minutes long. I may throw on my invisibility cloak and just wait for the next showing to start - how can you take it all in during just one sitting?

Comparing Austen and Meyer feels sort of like comparing Da Vinci and an auto mechanic.

I remember when Deadspin used to be fun. This feels like Slatespin.

The best thing about the bacon is that it's crispier than Liz Taylor. They leave it in the roasting pans for somewhere between six hours and three semesters.

I'm reading this right outside Brats. I'm about to die, aren't I?

Ronald Nored continues to play like a volleyball player tabbed under "We need one more for five - you in?" auspices.

I need you to call my wife and prove to her I'm losing neither my eyesight nor my sanity.

You beat me to the punch. If you told me a guy named "Oliver Wood" in one movie plays a painter who undresses time-frozen women in another, I'd say you're confusing your pornos.

The Gordian knot. The Gordian knot was tough to cut. A Gregorian knot probably just fucks up your Dave Barry quip-a-day calendar.

SInce Tressel wears glasses, he affords the OSU football program four black eyes, not just two.

Too soon.

John Legend's a shoo-in for the championship game.

Johnson-Koulianos, you may have been a good smuggler, but now you're Barta fodder.

I love Turner is the still for the video, when she so clearly cockblocked the effort.

@vodkanaut: Watch the clips of her interview. She has the literal "beach house in Malibu". She is not hurting. Not hurting. at. all.

Also, don't forget the time he played the penis game on-air.

By "different pastures", do you mean Gizmoodo?

@jurassictodd: I know. It's like, "Yo, the totem totally fell over at the end, but now I don't even know if there was movie in the first place! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"

Hold me closer, Tony Danza.

It's like NES Play Action Football meets GTA 3.