With my first one, for a surprisingly long time I would look at her and she’d look like a fetus to me. 

I live not too far from Methadone Mile too! I guess Marty was too busy this morning to crush more homeless addicts’ wheelchairs.

For what it’s worth, my actual human babies whom I birthed out of my body and love very much also came with a heavy side of existential dread.

I came here for this, and was not disappointed.

I will say, I DO have two small children, and with the older one particularly there are moments where I would do anything, ANYTHING, to get that kid to cooperate/listen/eat a fucking vegetable once in a while, but I still find Elf on the Shelf absolutely odious and will not have it in my home.

Oh girl, you’re making me cry. Too much is burning.

Neighborhood hero.

I mean, while obesity is definitely a risk factor for type 2, it’s not the only factor. Citation: I was diagnosed type 2 in my thirties and was not then and have never been obese. That’s why these jokes burn my biscuits (ahoy, I’m the person actually offended by these jokes, if verrrrry mildly), because it’s super…

That is precisely what I did. Best decision I ever made.

Verbs necessary? Yes, dumb-dumb.

Right? I love Christmas and Christmas movies with an unholy passion but super hard pass on corny generic Christmas romances.

Okay but like I go to Russo’s, and they’re great! They have every vegetable you ever heard of and a whole bunch you’ve never seen before, plus they have the good pickles and sauerkraut and cheese!

I spend a lot of time peeling clementines for my two small children, and oftentimes I find the smell very redolent of Orange Crush.

Polar is the best! My crappy city Stop & Shop always has all the crazy/seasonal flavors for some reason and it’s glorious. This summer’s blueberry nectarine was my jam.

And my ability to sleep at night...

The Pine Barrens are spooky as fuck! I grew up elsewhere in South Jersey, but dragging us out to to the pines for various lakes/hikes/Batsto Village was my parents’ jam when I was a kid. Something about encountering foundations from long-gone colonial-era villages with the forest grown right over has always creeped me…