I feel like judging people for enjoying pumpkin spice was amusing in 2013, and got kinda tired by 2015. I personally have embraced my basic fall being. Pumpkin spice reminds me of the fancy Barnes & Noble in the town I grew up in and browsing the music and movies section, and all the promise and possibilities I…

Look. All I know is that after calling around to the Trader Joe’ses in my area, I have learned that the pumpkin pancake mix will be available on or near September 9th or 10th, and that I have an alert in my phone to remind me to call again on those dates, and that a few years ago I made the mistake of buying too many…

Nothing says “we take this very seriously” like a screenshot from the Notes app.

I A-M G-O-I-N-G U-P-S-T-A-I-R-S T-O W-E-E-P L-O-U-D-L-Y A-T W-H-A-T I H-A-V-E B-E-C-O-M-E

In terms of spelling out words a lot I can only think of three: P-A-R-K, R-I-D-E and W-A-L-K. The dog knows what’s up. 

Be a good person. The bar is set really fucking low.

I did not learn to properly use a Kleenex until I was thirteen.

“Brenda, this party is really dying. UNLEASH THE KITTENS!!!”

Strategic kitten reserves are a staple of any good party.

Also just a huge indictment of how bad coaches are at adjusting, both in-game and (somehow) in preparation for a game. They all want to play the game on their terms, which basically means that a coach like Belichick knows exactly what you’re going to do.

Dan Snyder looks like the manager at the grocery store you worked at in high school.

The Super Bowl was so boring that people at the party didn't even stop talking through the commercials. The hosts had locked away their kittens but let them out at halftime to entertain us because the game sure wasn't getting the job done. 

You realize that would leave us with the Patriots and.....Eli?

It’s fucking embarrassing.

Every team that loses a Super Bowl to the Patriots should be relegated to Canadian football until there are no NFL teams left except the Patriots and we can finally destroy the NFL for good. God damn these losers straight to hell.

FUCK. Just, GODDAMNIT. The best regular season i have ever seen, the upsets, the Pat Mahomes beauty, the beautiful beautiful offenses, i felt like i was being beaten with a sledgehammer called NOT TODAY, KIDDO WE OLD SCHOOL PEOPLE STILL REIGN SUPREME. AWFUL. Trent Dilfer was probably masturbating furiously that entire…

Fun Fact: in the halftime show, Big Boi rode a Cadillac down the field for more yards than the Rams had in the entire first half.

The fact there are earnest users of the Jeremy Renner app is the real story of this post. 

First time, long time: Just wondering about the workshop process for “porno” and not “porn.”

Just when I start to think I have a decent handle on the world, I find out there’s not only a Jeremy Renner app, but also, apparently, an audience for it.