I liked this one...

"Nice game pretty boy!"

No good basketball player has ever come from England.

This dynamic is similar to what happened to yogurt during the dumb reactionary anti-fat craze of the '80s and '90s: Manufacturers removed fat from yogurt and replaced it with sugar and weirdo space chemicals, resulting in nominally health-minded products that, in actual fact, weren't so different from lancing your…

I don't get it.

Early Christmas party, 2013.

Christmas music, lots of baked goods, a big ol' pot of spiced butter cider with rum, and a bunch of friends in sweaters. It was awesome, and chill for the most part. The party wound down around midnight and most of my buddies left, except for a couple of my closer friends who wanted to keep…

god that would have been so much better. Those things were the size of Vince McMahon's hubris-laden fictional nutsack

I was waiting for you to say you puked on those monster yabbos.

My friend and I stupidly played some guys at pool, the losers bought the shots. We were drinking shot after shot of Goldshlager. I chased the shots with cheap plastic cups of beer. After two hours of power drinking, I was done. We made it from the bar to a house party, where I crashed through the money-takers at the…

Last summer I went to a bachelor party in New Orleans. This was my first trip to the Crescent City, and I was excited at the prospect of finally getting faced with my cousins and some friends in what is arguably the best drinking town in America.

I'm 28 and was 26 at the time of the following events. There is a small music festival in my hometown every year and this year a good friend had an engagement party that started around noon. Having all our college friends in one place surrounded by booze turned most of us into drunken messes by the time the party…

On my 21st birthday I was bar-hopping in Austin, and I ended up at this bar where, when it's your birthday, they fill a pie tin with whipped cream, and put it in a girl's lap. She sits up on the bar, and you're supposed to eat the whipped cream out of the pie tin.

You masturbated in the backseat of a taxicab? Jesus Christ, Barry.

It's a shame to be shorthanded at a time like that.

'Phablet' is such a stupid word.

Tom Brady's keys to avoiding Ebola:

I want to know what the conversation between her and Ryan was after the attempted fight. They're still standing right next to each other during this entire incident. No way are you just awkwardly avoiding talking about it. You have to say something.

I was totally waiting for the boyfriend to shit his pants in that story.

Don't know about full prison Fantasy Football leagues, but I've got a buddy whose mother is in prison, and she actually plays in a fantasy league with a bunch of us on the outside, including her sons. She doesn't have full internet access, so she can't actually operate her team, but she can read about players and the…

I have no problem with Jay Bilas, and seriously Deadspin shouldn't be telling anybody to "give it a rest." You think Bilas is being preachy? Pot meet kettle.