Its amazing how hitting people with lasers in a fog room, Mortal Combat music blaring on a loop, can make your dick feel ten feet long.

I thoroughly enjoy 99% of your articles, but this was written like an entry in a teenager's diary. (There was a "diary-a" joke in there relating to your opening paragraph, but I held back.) (Unlike diarrhea.) (Nailed it.)

Started reading this w/out checking the byline - only took the first line to know it was Magary...

Kansouri, so Kansas City would finally make some fucking sense.

I liked Kurkjian's article except some editor gave it the wrong title, it was supposed to be, "Why Baseball Players are the Absolute Worst"

I agree, or just don't have 75 people in your wedding party.

His generosity of spirit doesn't stop there; he also brought 8 pairs of unshined shoes, 7 lightly-soiled cashmere sweaters, and a pair of linen pants that need mending.

Tebow.

Meanwhile the test for potential CNN employees.

Of course, the hockey question is unanswerable. You cannot calculate GAA for a season unless you know the amount of overtime minutes the team played, since GAA is weighted per 60 minutes.

Exam: Section 6 - What Sport Do I Play?

Please describe how to make toast in 3,000 word or more.

Meanwhile, wannabe Deadspin employees are merely asked "How far can you punt a football?"

Can we agree that those stupid pullups are stupid?

Listen my children and you shall hear,
of the first homerun of Ben Revere.
On the 27th of May of 20-14,
Pretty much every man is still alive who remembers this famous day and year.
He said to his 'mates if a fastball comes on a 1-1 pitch in the seventh tonight,
Look to right field, just above the fence for a grown man with…

The Lviv, Ukraine bid seems dead in the water with the turmoil and war in the country.

Qatar?

No, in Philly it's called "What's happening in the game? I'm too drunk and beating the shit out of this guy because I think its Santa".

Why no "SCORE!" and "DRIVE!"?

Have your shit together, and be honest with yourself about any issues that might give the underwriters cause for concern. If you try to mask, hide, gloss, etc. over anything like this, it will in the very least, cause a delay in your mortgage, or at worst, you'll get denied. I checked with my credit union to see…