I am deeply unsettled by Courtney Stodden, and even more so by that rictus of a smile. Who knew that in time, marrying OldGuy McMurderface would be the thing she did that creeped me out the least?

Owls stink. Literally and figuratively. They also make inferior potato chips.

It'll be wavy.

. . . there's only one type of valentine that's okay to hand to your special chum this year . . .

But if I'm successful (rarely), It goes like this:

I can't believe I'm about to delve into the crazyville that is Tyra Banks, but: I think she's trying to do a combination of doggerel and humblebrag. The brunettes and redheads in the board room are the brown dress and red carpet of the "gala room." I'm guessing "gala room" was supposed to be the opposite of…

Yeah, the way I read it, the answer should be Connie Francis.

"Is this what aging feels like? How soon before I start shooing children off my lawn and squeezing my guinea pigs just a little too tight when I dress them in their little outfits?"

she would rather be doing top model than living the glam lyfe

It's always best, when Tyra's involved, to chalk it up to some cryptic form of humblebragging self-aggrandizement and be on one's way.

I hoped that wasn't what she was doing. Is she a baby? Like Ariana Grande? Just stop, lady.

This quote literally makes no sense.

Why am I gray? Why is Bobby Jindal white?

god i heard the clip and i wanted to punch his face off his face and then take his skin face and tan it and then put that on a dart board and use it and then attach that to a missile and blow it up and then take the ashes of that and pee on them and then take that and put it under the part of my yard where my dog pees…

We will sit on the front porch of the general store, sipping our lemonade with mint leaves, rocking gently in the jasmine-scented breeze, as our great-grandchildren gather 'round our feet and beg to hear again the great epic, The Asseid.

Wherever the caribbean people are. Goat is delicious. Cute animals are absolutely delicious. I have a theory that cuteness is directly proportional to deliciousness. I said that once to a friend on a ferry ride and a woman with a child shot me a dirty look. I wanted to tell her not to worry because her kid actually…

I thought "Bryn Mawr" was a Led Zeppelin song.

It looks like someone melted a seahorse and glued the remains to an old chain.

"How Not to Die Plain and Overweight Like That Editor in Austraila" by The Bryn Mawr Health Center

amputate the expressive possibilities of the human face, which are so connected to empathic abilities