Paging Kara Brown. We need an emergency Shade Court ruling.

The fry-eating friend was clearly correct. Fries cool down faster than burgers, because they have a higher surface to mass ratio than the burger. So if you want to have hot fries and a hot burger, you clearly have to scarf down the fries first, then turn to your still-hot burger. Otherwise, you're eating lukewarm…

Dude! Spoilers!

Yup, these are his readers.

OK, I'll ask. If she's really a trained assassin, why is she taking him to court instead of killing him and disposing of his body discreetly? And yes, I'm kind of imagining her has a cross between Beatrix Kiddo and female Martin Blank.

Pierre's right. When I come to Deadspin, the last thing I expect to see is some blogger making fun of another media outlet.

So a repeat offender can stomp on a MVP candidate's leg twice, on natonal TV, with no consequences. But if you take a puff of a joint, the NFL's fury will rain down upon you. Yeah, that's fair.

It's kind of changing the subject. It's like:

Nope, I can't think of anything else the New York papers should be putting on the front page right now, other than this story.

I notice that the first five third-grade pending topics closely resembles my own, and that has me feeling some kind of way.

I would watch a Trial of a Time Lord marathon before I would watch Love and Monsters again. I would get on my hands and knees on broken glass and beg John Nathan-Turner to make a Fear Her sequel before I would glance at a TV showing Love and Monsters. I would watch Torchwood: Miracle Day okay you caught me let's not…

I dunno, but maybe Jezebel is over thinking this one. It sounds like he's just asking for a woman who's curvy, sexually adventurous, and not so concerned about her figure that she won't eat heartily in front of her man. Which also happens to describe my Susie Sunset, so . . . .

This is indeed a tough question. Whether to start a three-time Super Bowl Champion Pro Bowler, or the guy who smokes a lot and looks sad. A real poser, if you ask me.

Jim Harbaugh. I would fly to Mars with Andy Reid before I drove to a 7-11 with Jim Harbaugh in the passenger seat. Imagine, if you will, the introduction "HOWYA DOIN' BILLY?" the too-hard handshake and frat-boy back slap, the constant instructions "YOU WANNA TAKE I-80 HERE BILLY!" to the . . . oh, goodness it would…

Look at this hideous troll! JUST LOOK AT HER!!!

Frrrrrrrrrr, who are you talking to right now? Who is it you think you see? Do you know how much shit I crap a year? I mean, even if I told you, you wouldn't believe it. Do you know what would happen if I suddenly decided to stop going into the toilet? Enough Charmin to cover a hundred trees disappears! No, you…

Nicely done.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you hate Deadspin?

Beautiful. I got choked up just reading it.

About damn time.