This might be the funniest single sentence I've ever read in my life.

Ah, the classic New York mammogram.

Cool story and imma let u finish but how the fuck does one become an ocularist?  Can more than one even exist at time?

Ugh my son did that at age 6.   damn near torn his nutsack off.  

I was probably 41 when this happened. Before I go further, let me explain that I am a very large woman. I’m clinically obese, but I am blessedly proportionately large everywhere.

Classic Jessica.

Story 2: My wife’s family had a pizzeria that I’d often swing by on the weekend for a slice or two while running errands. She was working that day and brought me two 2 slices, which I proceeded to drown in parm cheese and pepper flakes. While eating, I rub my eye and within seconds, it starts to burn worse than I’ve…

Do you know any couples where the woman is the older party? Somehow I never hear about those. 

I’ve arrived at the conclusion after excusing shitty men from across the class/race/age spectrum. There’s no mystery, it’s just a fact.

Why are men so disgusting?

I wanted to be excited about this, I really did. But no music, no Li Shang, random added characters...pass. 

See that’s just it. A special teams coach whipped his dick out to piss in a cup on national tv last season and every man I knew collectively shrugged. No big deal. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go.

Tangentially related: I watched The Strangers lastnight for the first time in years, and it has held up SO WELL. That movie is perfection and it stresses me the fuck out.  

It’s strange how Depp’s treatment of Heard wasn’t taken as seriously as it should have been. People accused her of being a home wrecker (so therefore she deserved it or something). Anyone who has been abused who saw those pictures or watched that video... that shit needed a trigger warning, that was some serious shit.…

A variation of this goes for babies and kids. If you can’t get a sitter for them, that’s fine, just let me know in advance. But it is really difficult being the non-parent friend and try to maintain that friendship, when I expect to have a conversation with someone who is distracted the whole time, or we need to pick…

Hey, it wasn’t what I was expecting either... I went into it blindly, thinking “cool, another standup to watch.” But oh my god. It was SO MUCH BETTER than I expected it to be. I’ve watched it several times now and I recommend it to friends and coworkers so often that they’re probably sick of hearing about it lol.

It’s amazing to me how many people are butthurt, I mean GENUINELY butthurt, that Nanette wasn’t what they expected to be. Or else they’re trolling. I’m too tired to tell.

oh fuuuuuuck

I am looking forward to JW3 too! I think it is going to be really good, just like the first two.